My true feelings about breastfeeding

Unpopular confession coming up...I don't really enjoy breastfeeding anymore. There we go, I said it, fully prepared for any angry backlash!
I am aware that I sound massively ungrateful and that there are women out there that would love to be able to breastfeed but can't, and I do appreciate how fortunate I am to produce an amount of milk comparable to that of a small herd of Jersey cows. But it's been over three months now and, dare I say it...I kind of want my body back now.

I always planned to breastfeed. I am not one of those people who is adament that 'breast is best' or that everyone simply MUST breastfeed. I believe everybody is different and every baby is different and it's whatever works best for the individual be that formula or breastmilk. I did personally want to do it though and I do feel incredibly lucky and proud that I have managed to do so.
It definitely brought with it a good few advantages. In the very early days post birth breastfeeding really helped my uterus contracted back to it's normal size as well as providing a kick start to shifting the baby weight. Of course financially breastfeeding is much more economical, a one off purchase of nursing bras and a breastpump are going to work out cheaper than formula. 
 In regards to bonding though I don't think breastfeeding necessarily is better than bottle feeding. I don't think that if I had bottle fed Rafe we would have any less of a bond at all. 

I have recently started pumping so that Richard can do at least one of Rafe's feeds, I've left it until he's three months old to ensure that breastfeeding is very well established and to minimise the risk of nipple confusion. Pumping is going well in terms of the amount of milk I can get. I am using the Avent electric breastpump and an hour of pumping on both sides can get me 240ml. 
At the moment that 240ml of hard earned milk is getting tipped down the sink though as Rafe simply will not take a bottle. We are using the Avent bottles and teats and I've recently ordered some NUK ones as they get great reviews on Amazon so we will see if we have any more success with those when they arrive! We have also tried Richard feeding him and me being out of the room entirely to no avail. I mean I don't really blame his it's completely alien to him to have a large rubber teat stuffed in his mouth when he is hungry...but I can't wait until he learns to feed from the bottle and I can plan a night out with the girls!

I just feel that through the entire 40 weeks (and one day) of pregnancy my body was not my own, well it was but I was sharing it with precious cargo that was my responsibility to keep safe and bring into the world. You body goes through so many changes, pregnancy is for the most part beautiful, but by the end I felt enormous! I had a varicose vein, I couldn't move around as easily. I was miserable. Then you go through birth and the immediate aftermath is not pretty. I was on the newborn baby 'high' when I had Rafe, but I was also pretty low due some very painful stitches in my nether regions, no sleep at all and some seriously sore nipples. And when my milk came in on day three...OMG ouch! But I got through it and with some determination and large amounts of Lansinoh, we finally got the hang of breastfeeding and Rafe was putting on weight nicely.
I was very happy and I did feel a massive sense of achievement, BUT I was also incredibly tied down. I don't breastfeed openly in public places, I know you shouldn't be ashamed to feed your own child but I personally do not wish to do it in front of people. When you go out there is hardly ever any facilities where you can go for some privacy, and I would not feed my child in a public toilet for obvious reasons. Even my own doctors surgery don't have a chair in their baby changing room! I wasn't expecting a flash expensive, reclining nursing chair but even a plastic waiting room chair would have done. Nothing.
This means I feel very limited as to where I can take my baby and for how long we can be out of the house. I know there are breastfeeding groups but they just really do not appeal to me. Then at family events I am constantly up and down, going out of the room to feed. I cancel or avoid meeting up with people because quite frankly I don't want to end up sitting there with them with my boobs out.

Then theres the guilt. A couple of weeks ago Rafe got weighed and he had not gained as much weight as he should have, meaning he dropped a percentile. I know this wasn't my fault exactly he had gone off of his food after his 12 week vaccinations and I was still producing plenty of milk and feeding on demand. But I still felt enormously guilty and dissapointed. I felt like a failiure. When you are exclusively breastfeeding it's entirely your responsibilty to make sure your child is being fed and growing as they should, that's how I felt anyway. I've calmed down a bit about the situation now. Percentiles don't distinguish between formula fed and breastfed babies and you cannot really compare the two, because when it comes to weight gain formula fed babies will put on quicker than breastfed due to the nature of formula.

Then there's the fact my body still doesn't feel like mine. The varicose vein and baby weight may have gone but I am still wearing ugly nursing bras and breastpads. Putting up with engorged boobs every morning, stained tops and leaky nipples. It just doesn't make you feel very good about yourself if I'm honest. 
I am very ready to share some of the responsibility of feeds with Richard too. He currently works full time whilst I am on maternity leave so I don't mind doing the night feeds. But I do feel envious when he gets to go out with his friends whilst I am sat in front of the telly in my dressing gown on a Saturday night. I'd quite like to get dressed up and go out with my friends and just for an evening not feel like a milk machine!

If I could turn back time and do everything differently I would still choose to breastfeed. I am glad that Rafe is still benefitting from the antibodies in breastmilk. I would probably express sooner though so that I was able to get some freedom back and not feel like a lactating recluse most of the time! 
Breastfeeding is amazing and beautiful, but in my opinion it also 
restricts you. Maybe if society made breastfeeding in public more accepted and embraced it would be easier, although I personally feel that I would still feel uncomfortable. 

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