Miscarriage?

When I found out I was pregnant all I felt was excitement (and a bit nauseous) It was planned, we had just bought out first home and everything seemed to be falling into place with my life plan. Yes I had sort of put a time schedule on my life and when I wanted to have certain things done by. Control freak I know. 
Fast forward 5 weeks into the pregnancy and I started bleeding. It happened when I was at work, on a Friday, I suddently felt really hot and faint and dizzy and I was having sharp pains. I knew that something wasn't right and sure enough when I went to the bathroom I was bleeding. I straight away though that was it, I had lost the baby. It's strange at five weeks everything is so tiny, but for me as soon as I found out I was pregnant, especially as it was planned, I immediately felt like a mum and had started imagining what the baby would be like and how our lives were going to change. It hadn't even occured to me that I would lose it.
Richard picked me up from work and we went to the doctors that afternoon. The bleeding had slowed down by then but I still felt crampy and uncomfortable. The doctor told me that all they could do was see what happened over the weekend and whether I had more bleeding or not. Apparently I couldn't have a scan until six weeks as they probably wouldn't be able to detect a heartbeat until then anyway. He booked me in for blood tests on the Monday and the Wednesday of the next week, apparently if you are pregnant then the pregnancy hormone doubles every 48 hours in the early stages so this would show whether everything was developing as it should.
The bleeding was very light all weekend. I just found myself sitting on the sofa trauling the internet for cases where bleeding hasn't resulted in miscarriage and symptoms of miscarriage. It was horrible, but reading other poor womens accounts of their experiences, on sites like netmums, made me think that I hadn't lost enough blood to have had a full miscarriage and maybe there was still some hope.
I called the early pregnancy unit at my local maternity hospital on Monday for a second opinion and they told me that I needed to have a scan as that was the only way to know for sure what was going on. I then rang my doctor, as they were the only ones who could authorise me having this scan, and he booked one for the Friday and told me in the meantime to go for the bloodtests which I did.

That week was the longest week of my life. Waiting in limbo not knowing whether you are pregnant or not was awful. Every twinge would make me think that was it and it was all over, but I still 'felt' pregnant and Richard said that he had a feeling I still was for some reason which gave me hope.
On Thursday I called the doctors surgery to see if they had the results from the blood tests and they informed me a doctor would have to call me back. When I eventually received the call I was informed (by a rather insensitive male doctor) that my hormone levels had actually decreased in the 48 hours and therefore I did not have a 'viable pregnancy' as he put it. So basically I had lost the baby. He advised me to still attend the scan the following day as I had not lost enough blood for everything to have gone (sorry tmi) and I may have had to have a procedure called dilation and curettage (or D&C) whereby you have to have you cervix dilated and the remaining contents of your uterus from the pregnancy scraped out if your body does not expel it by itself. 

That evening I cried...a lot. And I had a large glass of wine. Richard was very supportive and arranged with work to have the morning off to attend the scan with me. It had to be an Transvaginal scan as it was too early to be able to see anything from an external ultrasound so I told Richard to stay in the waiting room because we weren't actually expecting it to be an uplifting experience, they were only going to tell me what I had already heard the day before. The women that did my scan were lovely, I was just silent through the whole thing, I just felt numb like I wasn't really there and it wasn't actually happening to me. I just stared straight ahead as the image of my uterus etc came up on the little screen until the ultrasound woman told me to take a look. Was she crazy? I wasn't interested in having some anatomy lesson on miscarriage I just wanted everything gone so I could move on, recover and eventually try again. But I did as she instructed. "You see that flickering there?" she asked, I nodded, "Well that's your babies heartbeat." she said. I instantly burst into tears. I was so happy but also so worried and ashamed of myself for having a glass of wine the night before.
This little picture doesn't look like anything but to me it meant so much.

We came out of the scan room where Richard was waiting and he was just as shocked as me. They then explained that we should never have been told that I didn't have a viable pregnancy. Apparently blood tests at the stage of pregnancy I was at are not reliable to tell whether somebody has miscarried or not as once the pregnancy hormone reaches a certain level and peaks it will naturally start to reduce. 
I have to admit I was angry that I doctor was not knowledgable enough to know this, but I was so grateful that everything looked healthy and normal that I didn't see any point in taking this further. I do wonder now whether I should have.

Fast forward to now and Rafe is 11 weeks and 3 days and my healthy baby boy is currently asleep in his swing. I had a completely normal pregnancy with no other complications after that.
I wanted to write this post for anybody who has or is going through the same thing. Persevere and ask for a scan even if you are not offered one, if I hadn't asked for one it probably wouldn't have been arranged so soon. Also bleeding doesn't always result in miscarriage. One of my close friends had heavy bleeding multiple times at the start of her pregnancy but everything was okay and she now has a healthy baby boy two weeks older that Rafe.

Jx   
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Resistance bands; Not as easy as it looks

So recently I purchased a set of resistance bands. The ones I chose were the 'Starwood sports' set of four bands which are avaliable on Amazon and cost £7.99. The bands come in different levels of resistance, the green is light, the blue is medium the red is heavy and finally the black is x-heavy. They come in a handy storage pouch. I had seen a lot of good things about resistance bands on social media and YouTube fitness vlogs etc and was keen to try them out.
Also I have been stuck in a bit of an exercise rut recently just doing kettlebell workouts and going walking (the walking is partly to get some LISS in...partly to get my baby to go to sleep!) and I wanted to mix things up with my workouts a bit. It's easy to get bored and de-motivated just doing the same workouts again and again so I want to incorporate something a bit different into my routine.
One of my 'work in progress' body areas also happens to be my bum which, as I have spoken about before, is not particularly round or bootylicious and quite frankly needs some help and I am hoping that resistance band workouts can assist with this!

I completed my first workout with them yesterday, I went on YouTube and found a 'GymRa' resistance band total body workout conducted by the incredibly toned Christine Curry. Now when deciding which band to use I was definitely a little ambitious. I figured that because I use an 8kg kettlebell for all my upper body kettlebell work and either a 10kg or a 12kg for my lower body that I was pretty strong and would definitely be using either the medium or heavy resistance band. How wrong was I! I was switching to the green 'light' band after a couple of reps on the upper body parts! Resistance band work is seriously tough stuff, it gives your body a different sort of burn to the kettlebell exercises but I persevered and completed the entire workout and I definitely felt the effects today! 

Today was a successful day workout-wise, partly because Richard was on a day off from work so could keep an eye on baby while I exercised. I managed to complete my 'Kettlercise Ignite' DVD Detonator 30 minute workout (which is by no means easy) but I then decided to do some band work aswell and specifically target my glutes. Again I turned to YouTube and found the 'FitForceFX' channel, which I quickly subscribed to. I decided to complete their 'Glutes gone wild: Resistance band leg & Booty Workout' it's only around 20 minutes long. I managed to get through the workout fairly easily using the 'Heavy' resistance band and, if I'm honest I probably could have used the 'X-heavy' for a couple of the exercises seeing as the routine is only 12 reps of each move. I am still learning the ropes with the bands though and how to position them correctly to minimise the risk on them pinging off and smacking me on the bum (ouch) so I thought I would stick to the heavy for now. The workout was good, I would probably repeat it twice if I hadn't already done a kettlebell workout before hand, but I do like to challenge myself with exercise and feel a burn.

Going forward I am aiming to do a resistance band workout at least 2-3 times per week combined with my usual kettlebell training. I may do the resistance band glute workouts after kettlebell training some days aswell (when Rafe lets me) as this is an area I need to work on and I am not particuarly keen on doing loads of squats and lunges with weights (in fact I despise lunges, which is possibly why my bum is so flat!)

I definitely consider the bands to be a good purchase they are inexpensive and easy to store without taking up too much room. They are also ideal to take on holiday for a hotel room workout and I am hoping to see good results with them after a bit more use. I will keep you posted!

Jx
 
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So Lucky? Naturally slim? 

Firstly I would like to start this post by saying that this is not in anyway meant to sound arrogant. I am not the thinnest person, or the fittest person, or the most toned person. I definitely have my 'problem' areas...or 'work in progress' areas as a like to refer to them...these are mainly the 'mummy tummy' and the pancake bum. But I am a slim person, I currently wear a uk dress size 8 which is what I was before I had my baby.
People have often felt the need to remark on this, saying things like 'You are so lucky you are naturally slim' now this is a pretty nice thing to say and could be taken as a compliment, but I don't really think my size or shape is anything to do with luck. I also don't believe there are many people (obviously people with medical conditions may be exceptions here) who are either 'naturally fat' or 'naturally slim'. Yes some of this is down to metabolism and there are people who do seem to burn calories faster than others, but for the majority of people I personally believe whether you are larger or slimmer is entirely your choice.

If I ate exactly the unhealthy foods that I wanted all of the time and if I didn't exercise reguarly then I don't think I would be a slim person. Being fit and healthy is about making the correct choices which aren't always the easy choices. Now I'm not for one minute saying slim equals healthy, it doesn't and everybody has a unique body shape, but if a person eats clean and the correct amount of calories and engages in physical activity regularly it's almost impossible that they will be fat.
When people say your body shape and size is purely down to the fact you are 'lucky' it disregards the effort that you know you put in to look that way (and be healthy). It also removes that persons accountabilty to themselves. By saying someone is slimmer or fitter than you because they are solely 'lucky' means that you don't believe there's any way that you yourself could achieve that, which is wrong. Anybody, can be healthy if they want to be it just takes some hard work and commitment. For some people, minor life changes like altering their diets and cutting out junk food would be all it takes. For others a complete diet and exercise overhaul would be necessary but I believe that we all choose the body we have with the food and exercise choices we make. Obviously anybody with a medical condition is an exception here and I know that nobody chooses to have this. 

I also experienced these comments when I became pregnant. People would remark on how little extra weight I put on during pregnancy or how I would just 'ping back' after I had my baby. Again I think people meant well saying these things but I chose not to use pregnancy as an excuse to eat whatever I wanted, for two reasons; firstly I wanted to eat really healthy, nourishing foods for my developing baby and secondly I knew after I had given birth I wanted to spend time recovering and enjoying being a new mum. I didn't want to have loads of excess weight to lose. I also believe that by exercising and remaining active whilst pregnant your body recovers quicker and I was able to start working out again two weeks after I had Rafe. Now I am lucky I had a pregnancy with no complications, and I know some women are not able to be too active during pregnancies or have to be on bedrest and I am not criticising anybody who either chooses or is unable to have an active pregnancy. I just want to make a point that before you look at somebody and immediately assume that they are just 'luckier' than you because they might be a bit fitter or a bit slimmer realise that you can achieve everything they have and even more if you want to. It's entirely up to you.

There's a phrase that 'you make your own luck' people who are successful in any way whether that be in their careers, in their physiques or in anything else in life have, the majority of the time worked hard for it. They have a clear image in their mind of where they want to be and they put in the effort and the commitment to achieve that and get there. I wouldn't say I personally am hugely successful in all areas of my life but the reason I love fitness, exercise and healthy eating is because it's something that if you commit to it and work hard at it, you will get results. I am a long way off where I want to be, but literally with every workout I do I feel myself getting closer to me goals. Taking progress photographs are an amazing way to show this and motivate yourself to carry on. 

So before we look at someone and judge them for being lucky for their achivements whatever they may be, just consider that person started somewhere too. They weren't always that fit, or in that job position, they more that likely just worked really hard to get there and you can too. It all just depends on how much you want it.

Jx
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Cold chicken balls for breakfast...

It's Sunday 19th February and I have just devoured three cold sweet and sour, battered chicken balls leftover from last night chinese takeaway for breakfast. And I have the cheek to call myself a 'Fithealthymummyblogger' on Instagram. I'm not proud of myself, firstly because that just happened and but also that having a takeaway on a Saturday night is becoming all too frequent in our house.
It's just hard when you are exclusively breastfeeding your baby (I haven't even started expressing milk yet) to actually go anywhere. So having a takeaway once a week feels like a nice treat.

Motherhood is not proving hugely enjoyable at the moment. Rafe's growth spurt doesn't seem to be showing any signs of being over, although he did sleep a six hour stretch last night so you never know (please God!!). He is feeding every hour to every hour and a half during the day still and it feels like when he's not either eating or napping he's super irritable and grouchy, as am I. He does usually have a nap of about two to three hours, where I take the opportunity to workout, tidy the house and make myself look somewhat human but other that it's just feed, feed, feed. Growth spurts are tiring!
It's not that I mind breastfeeding, I feel unbelievably grateful that I have been able to do it and that my boobs seem to produce as much milk as a small herd of Jersey cows, but it's not a particuarly sociable activity. As a stay at home mum it's very essential to get out of the house occasionally and interact with other humans which have mastered the art of talking otherwise you tend to go a little mad! So I have been attempting to be more of a social butterfly and invite my friends/in laws round and get out and about and visit people aswell. But this week all I seem to have done is cancel plans. There's nothing more awkward than going round a friends house only to have to spend the entire time with your boob out feeding your apparently famished baby, I swear all my friends must think I starve him the amount he kicks off for food at the moment. Then as soon as he comes off and I can thankfully regain my modesty he almost immediately wants to feed again, and I have to either jiggle him about, walk around with him or just try and shout over his yelling. Is it normal for a baby to want to feed CONTINUOUSLY?! 

I turned to reliable old Google in order to gain a bit of insight into babies growth spurts and also to see whether maybe Rafe isn't getting enough milk hence the continuous eating. Well apparently a growth spurt can last a couple of weeks (fabulous) and a sleep regression up to six (I'm not sure I will survive that long) and they are separate things. Apparently a lot of babies don't poop much during growth spurts as they absorb nearly everything they take in...er why haven't I experienced this small pro?! Despite being a breastfed baby Rafe poops at least five times per day! Usually two of these tend to be explosive poos that require outfit changes, I go through packs of wet wipes and nappies at break neck speed! But at least this is a good indicator he is getting enough milk aswell. I think maybe he is just a very, very hungry baby! 

It is partly my own fault that I have to deal with this feeding solo. I have got a breastpump, a steriliser and some bottles in the cupboard, I have just been to nervous to actually use them yet, I don't want to let go of soley breastfeeding yet. I have a real love/hate relationship with breastfeeding. I always wanted to do it, just because everyone goes on about how amazing it is for your baby but it definitely has it's downsides. Occasionally I find myself walking round with a wet patch on my top and that dried on milk smell lingering around me (lovely). It's, as a mentioned earlier, not a pleasant activity to engage in, in public places or at friends and families homes. Trying to fumble around, latch your baby on while maintaining your modesty is no easy activity. And the breastfeeding cover/apron device is no easier to work with. Therefore I have largely become a hermit. No no I'm exaggerating (slightly) but it definitely isn't easy to go out.
For some reason breastfeeding in public seems to be massively frowned upon. Yes it's the most natural, and some people might say beautiful, thing in the world but nobody wants to see you doing it. God forbid a woman gets her tits out for anything other than a glamour magazine.

Then on the other hand breastfeeding is also an amazing way to bond with your baby, that time when it's just the two of you and they just look up at you as they feed is really magical.  Plus it's a great way to get your baby back if someone has had hold of them too long (although right now I don't think I would mind too much, this mummy needs a break!) And of course it's massively convenient for night feeds to just be able to whip a boob out rather than having to go and make up a bottle. And they get all the nutrition they need.

I think growth spurts are just difficult times and maybe expressing would be a really good thing for me. I would be able to leave Rafe with Richard and go out solo and possibly most temptingly I would be able to have a couple of glasses of wine! Or maybe a shot of tequila! Before anyone starts worrying I have no intention of being in charge of my baby whilst under the influence of alcohol, I'm not that bad.
Sorry for the negative, ranty post just needed to write everything down before I went insane! Another development for Rafe is that we found out he loves Rock n' Roll music so Bill Haley, Elvis and Little Richard are frequently playing in our house these days! And he very occasionally lets out little laughs and also seems to want to talk to us! All in all very cute! I also weighed him and at the start of the week he was just under 12lbs and he is now 12lb 4 so the constant feeds are at least worthwhile! 
I'll keep you updated on the expressing growth spurt situation. Hope it's over soon.

Jx
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Healthy Aldi finds!

Yesterday I shopped in Aldi for the very first time...before you think I am some sort of supermarket snob, I can assure you I am not. I love getting a bargain and we used to shop at Lidl quite a lot. I do find that you cannot get everything you need at these shops though and they don't always have the branded products that we buy. Now we have baby Rafe shopping is a bit of a mission anyway without having to make two trips to different supermarkets. I also find the whole checkout experience at these shops a little stressful too, they seem to want you to pack at break neck speed (which I used to be very efficient at) but these days trying to cope with a baby and pack my shopping in about five seconds isn't too easy! 
Richard also works for one of the larger supermarkets so we get discount which sometimes works out cheaper anyway.

We didn't have a massive food shop to do yesterday though and I have heard good things about Aldi's own brand nappies so we thought we would investigate. It's definitely a lot cheaper, especially the fruit and vegetables and we picked up some Mamia nappies (which I am hoping will actually contain Rafe's all too frequent poop explosions so I don't have to bin anymore vests!). What I was not expecting, and was very pleasantly surprised about was the great range of really healthy, wholesome food options at really good prices. Aldi seems to be more forward thinking than even a lot of the larger supermarkets when it comes to healthy options which was really great to see. 
Healthy food tends to be a lot more expensive than the less healthy options particuarly things like snack bars. But Aldi has a range of raw fruit and nut bars from The Foodie Market that are very good value for money and nutritional.
 
I purchased two different varieties, the Macadamia and coconut Paleo bar and the Cashew crush raw bar. I was really intrigued to try these because I am always on the hunt for quick, convenient snacks. The bars are made of all natural, raw, cold pressed ingredients. They are completely gluten and dairy free, suitable for vegetarians and have no added sugar or preservatives. They cost £1.99 for a pack of five bars. The cashew crush are 35g bars and the Paleo bars weigh 45g. So how did they fair in the all important taste test;

I am firstly going to talk about my favourite of the two varieties that we bought. The Macadamia and Coconut bars contain just five ingredients; dates, cashew nuts, coconut, macadamia nuts and almond oil so all super healthy. Taste wise I think they are lovely, they have natural sweetness from the dates and they taste good enough to be classed as a treat in my opinion. I love anything containing coconut and the coconut flavour and texture comes through really well in these bars. If you have ever tried any of the 'Nakd' bars then the consistency of these is very similar. They aren't particuarly low in calories at 211kcal per bar but they are both healthy and high fibre and any sugars are naturally occuring and not refined. I would definitely buy these again.

We also bought the 'Cashew crush' bars. These are made of a two ingredients cashew nuts and dates. These have 158kcal per 35g bar. Taste wise they are very very similar to the Nakd bar 'Cashew cookie' but at around 39p per bar they are much, much better value with Nakd bars costing around 75p per bar when bought individually.The cashew flavour is the most prominant taste. These again are very naturally sweet, I personally prefer the macadamia and coconut ones because I love the taste of the coconut. Something which I found slightly off putting when trying these was that on my first bite I chomped down on a very hard little lump of, I'm assuming, date stone. It does say on the box that 'although every effort has been made to remove shell, some small fragments may remain' so that is something to watch out for. It was too small to pose any choking hazard...but was a little painful! I personally wouldn't buy this flavour again but if you like the taste of the Nakd cashew cookie or just cashew nuts you will probably love these.

I think overall these are great value for money and brilliant healthy, high fibre snacks that do not contain any refined sugars. They will also work well for kids lunchbox snacks and I definitely will be giving these to Rafe when he's a bit older and has teeth as a much healthier alternative to anything that contains refined sugar and preservatives. 

Jx
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Sleep Regression and growth spurts

Just before you read this post I would like to state that I am aware that so far we have been pretty lucky regarding how well Rafe sleeps. I know some people have things a lot worse with their babies, but this our experience with sleep regression so far.
So Rafe, up until the last three nights, would sleep a six hour stretch, then wake up for a short feed, then settle again for another four or five hours. This was amazing! After coming through the very newborn days, where you honestly believe you are never going to sleep for longer that two hours at a time ever again to get six whole hours of shut eye in a row felt awesome. 
However this seems to have (hopefully temporarily) ended. Rafe has recently only been sleeping for four hours at a time. Last night we went to bed at half nine...please don't judge us, Richards alarm for work goes off at 4am...Rafe slept until half one in the morning, fed and was settled back down by quarter past two, Ricks alarm then went off at four which luckily did not wake Rafe but he was up for his next feed at half five. He has not yet gone back to sleep since then!

It's not just the sleeping either, it's the feeding! Now Rafe has always had an enormous appetite, I think because he was only 6lb 9 when he was born he has felt the need to catch up (which he has definitely succeeded at). But recently the feeding has been of the scale. He is currently feeding about every hour or hour and a half during the day and the feeds are much longer aswell. The feeds he takes in the evening before bed can take up to an hour! Because I am still exclusively breastfeeding him, the Lansinoh nipple ointment is now very much back in use.
I had read online about the three month growth spurt that results in the sleep regression. Rafe is ten weeks on Wednesday so maybe we have hit that already, one things for sure I very much hope that it is over soon and we can get back to the lovely six hour stretches!
I never knew how much a good nights sleep meant to me until I had a baby. Just when you think things have got better and you have some sort of sleep routine going something pops up to disturb it, whether that be growth spurts or teething (something else I am dreading!) I just find it very hard to function during the day when I am tired, I am currently trying to be more sociable and meet up with friends and have people round, but I have to admit I have been cancelling plans recently. It's hard to get your house, yourself and your baby presentable and ready when you are exhausted and feeding them every hour or so! 
I will keep you updated on how long this sleep regression lasts, seriously hoping it won't be too much longer!

Jx
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It's all about balance!

Something occured to me as I posted my aesthetically pleasing photograph of my porridge on instagram this morning...am I being entirely honest about my lifestyle?
My instagram name is 'Fithealthymummyblogger' and I pride myself on leading a healthy lifestyle and exercising regularly (which is true, I do all these things). But I also allow myself to indulge occasionally and have the odd treat here and there, and more often than not I do not post photographic evidence of this on social media.  
People can come across in whatever way they want on social media, it's so easy to create an image of your life by being careful of the selection of photo's that you post. 
I try to eat healthy 'clean' foods, I would say, about 80-90% of the time but I am not always as strict with myself as I could be. So this morning I did have a delicious bowl of porridge made with almond milk with mixed berries and chopped banana...but last night I also devoured an Indian takeaway, complete with naan bread and a papadum...or two. I didn't, however, post a picture of this rather 'unclean' takeaway on Instagram. 

Do I think this makes me a fraud or that I should change my Instagram name immediately? Not at all. I personally believe part of leading a healthy lifestyle and having a healthy relationship with food is treating yourself occasionally. Everything in 
moderation. Hence the title of this post being about balance. 

In the past I have not had such a healthy mindset towards eating, exercise and food. I was a person of two extremes,sometimes I would be getting up at 5am before work and going for a run, then walking to and from work, then occasionally going to an exercise class in the evening, all while consuming much less calories than my body needed to sustain this level of activity. I would eat clean, some greek yoghurt and banana for breakfast, salad and chicken for lunch and then meat or fish with vegetables for dinner, but it just wasn't enough food. I was terrified of carbs and sugar free Red Bull used to get me through the extreme tiredness that I always felt. I loved exercise, but it completely controlled me. I couldn't go a day without running or I felt horrendous about myself, like I was going to suddenly put on 4 stone because I missed exercise for one day.

Then there was the other side of me that would just binge on unhealthy foods. I couldn't just have one or two biscuits, for example, it would be a whole pack, then chocolate then ice cream. Anything that I could get my hands on that was among the foods that I feared but also secretly loved. My body needed the calories and because I spent most of my life feeling hungry once I started eating I found it hard to stop. Afterwards I would feel incredibly guilty and disgusted in myself. I am not saying that I have ever had an eating disorder, but I have in the past been stuck in the binge/purge eating cycle. 

This was a few years ago now when I was in my very early twenties and I am pleased to say that behaviour and attitude to food is very much behind me. I think if you do have that, almost obsessive personality then it is always going to be something that is in the back of your mind though, and that is why I believe it's actually part of healthy eating to treat yourself occasionally. It stops you feeling deprived and craving all the unhealthy foods that you are banning from yourself. They don't seem as important if you let yourself indulge in them just sometimes. I also think we shouldn't compare ourselves to others on social media and allow anything to make us feel bad about ourselves. Not everyone is honest on social media and even if you have had a bad day, or even week, of eating doesn't mean you can't turn it all around. 
Becoming a mummy to Rafe also really reinforced this to me. When you have a child you have a responsibility to set good examples to them about everything really. I really want to ensure Rafe has a good relationship with food, that he understands what is healthy and good for him, but I also do not want to be controlling. It is important to me that he knows that actually the odd treat is all part of a well rounded, healthy diet aswell, and that it is all about balance!

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Follow my blog with Bloglovin 8 weeks vaccinations....the aftermath...

So on Monday Rafe had his very first set of vaccinations. These consisted of two injections in his right leg and one in his left (I was wrong in my earlier post) and he also had a liquid to drink aswell. I was incredibly nervous about him having the jabs, First of all I felt like a terrible person for putting him through something that was going to cause him pain. And secondly I was very worried that he would have some kind of reaction to the injections and be ill afterwards.
The immunisations in the right leg were for Diptheria, Tetanus, Acellar Pertussis (whooping cough) polio, Haemophilus influenza b and Pneumococcal. The Meningitis B was put into his left leg and the drink he had to take contained the vaccine against Rotavirus.
As I mentioned in our 8 week update post he was very brave whilst having the vaccinations, with only a brief tears, and immediately after them he had his very first dose of Calpol and we headed home.

We got home around 10:10am, Rafe had a small feed and immediately went to sleep for about two hours. When he woke up he was very drowsy but also very unhappy and would not go back to sleep. He just dozed on me but then would cry every time I tried to put him down. As a mum you can distinguish what is normal and what isn't for your baby, and he just wasn't himself at all and you could tell he didn't feel very well as he kept scruching his face up and doing little cries. I basically spent the rest of the day sat on the sofa with him, having lots of cuddles and eating lots of digestive biscuits (me not Rafe).
The information leaflet that the nurse gave us after the jabs stated that one in five children will develop a fever if they receive Paracetamol suspension immediately after the injections. It advised to give three doses of the medicine, one at the time of injection, a dose four to six hours after and another four to six hours after that. So I gave Rafe another dose at around half past two which he definitely didn't enjoy!
It also stated that if a child is to develop a fever it is likely to peak six hours prior to the vaccines but be mild (under 39 degrees) well this still made me panic and I had my underarm thermometer at the ready, taking Rafe's temperature every five minutes! This probably didn't make him feel much happier but being a first time mum combined with the fact my baby hadn't ever had any sort of illness before this I was pretty worried. Plus I had done the fatal act of googling all possible serious side effects of vaccinations and this definitely didn't make me feel any better.

At about 6:30pm I noticed he did have a temperature of around 37.9 degrees. Now the leaflet said that anything under 39 degrees is classed as a mild fever but after looking online I found conflicting information stating that in a 2 month old 38 degrees is high. So I was ready to call the out of hours doctor. Also administering Calpol to a 8 week old baby is not easy. The calpol comes with a syringe, a syringe that with the slightest amount of pressure applied to it will shoot almost the entire 2.5ml of medicine into your poor babys mouth!! Anyway this is what happened and so Rafe understandably spat the majority of it out, and then was immediately sick aswell. This concerned me because he was no longer interested in feeding at all, which is incredibly unusual for him and he also had diarrhea (apparently vomiting and diarrhea are a common side effect of the oral Rotavirus vaccine) and I did not want him to become dehydrated.
I knew I couldn't administer any more Paracetamol for at least four hours because I couldn't be sure how much had gone in so I stripped him down to his vest and kept taking his temperature. During this time he actually cheered up a bit and sat there smiling at me!
I avoided giving him his nightly bath that evening because I thought that might overheat him aswell.

The sickness and diarrhea continued through the evening. He had a big feed at about half 9 and then vomited what felt like the whole lot up...all over me. He didn't have any signs of dehydration though like sunken fontanelles and he was no longer drowsy he was very much awake, and yelling! We managed to get almost the entire dose of paracetamol into him at half 10 and he then had a feed which he kept down. I then sat up with him rocking him and singing to him (he's the only person that I know who actually seems to enjoy my singing!) until 12:30am when he finally went to sleep. He then slept through until 3am, fed and went back down, and woke up his usual self around 7am.
The day after the jabs he was still off of his food and eating much less and he still had a dodgy stomach. However Wednesday he seemed to have made a full recovery and spent the entire day feeding on and off to catch up!

I was considering postponing Rafes second set of vaccinations because of the side effects they seem to have. However I went to see a close friend yesterday who has also recently had a baby, and she was telling me her brothers child was recently admitted to hospital with a suspected urinary infection that turned out to be Meningitis B. Thankfully she is fine and making a full recovery. I know some people are massively against immunising their children and that is personal preference and I am not telling anybody what to do. I hate the side effects these jabs seem to have and seeing your child in pain and then ill and knowing you have caused it is horrible. But at the same time I couldn't personally live with myself if Rafe caught something as serious as Meningitis while knowing that I could have done something to prevent it.
I hope this post helps anyone who is about to get their child vaccinated know what to expect although all children are different and from what I read online some have barely any reactions at all.

Jx

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Follow my blog with Bloglovin The ups and downs of mumlife

Having my baby boy was the best thing I have ever done but it's also probably the most challenging. Knowing you are entirely responsible for this tiny, helpless human is quite unnerving and the fact babies seem so small and fragile means it can be quite scary.
I have to admit I question myself as to whether I am doing a good job or whether I am a good mum on an almost daily basis, and the feeling of 'mum guilt' is commonplace.
Some people say when you first become a mother it is this huge, life defining moment...I didn't feel this when I first had Rafe. I loved him straight away but I struggled to feel like a 'mum' however that is supposed to feel. I just felt exactly the same but with a baby to look after.
It's sometimes hard to admit when you are finding things tough. I found things incredibly hard when we first brought Rafe home from the hospital, I thought I was prepared but I was not at all. Looking after a baby with no sleep while in a lot of pain from stitches and struggling to establish breastfeeding was quite frankly awful. That's not to say I didn't have plenty of people who would have been happy to help out. Richards parents are incredibly supportive, but I resembled the walking dead for the first week after giving birth and I was, quite frankly, too embarrassed to have anyone come round to see me limping about in my dressing gown and surgical stockings! Is it horrible for me to say I didn't enjoy the first week or so with my baby at all? I just found it hard in every way, physically and mentally.

Fast forward to now, almost nine weeks later and things are so much better. We have a daily routine of sorts and I understand what Rafe's different cries mean and what he wants. Plus realising he has a dairy allergy and that was probably why he used to cry so much has made life much happier for everybody as I have now cut it out of my diet. But there is a massive part of me who misses the time when it was just Richard and I, the two of us. When I was free to do exactly what I wanted and when I wanted and it didn't take me over an hour to leave the house. Richard was off of work on Sunday so I popped to the supermarket BY MYSELF! It sounds utterly ridiculous but I actually felt a little bit excited. It was only a 20 minute trip while Rafe napped but for the first time since he was born I felt free.
I feel awful even typing this because I do love my son more than anything in the world but I think it's so easy to paint motherhood as this amazing wonderful time (which it really is sometimes) that we forget how difficult it can be aswell and how much you can struggle and feel like you are losing your identity as a woman.

Before I had Rafe I always wanted to be a stay at home mum and a housewife. Not because I thought it was easy but I never considered myself a 'career woman' and I thought that motherhood must be my calling in life. I am one of those people who is 'okay' at lots of things but I don't really excel in anything, and I lack the self confidence to persue what I really love. 
Since I have become a stay at home mum I am really not sure that this is what I want. Some days I enjoy it and I can be really productive but there's always this nagging feeling that once my boy is old enough to not really need me anymore what am I going to have to show for my life? What have I really achieved? I have mainly worked in retail jobs that I never enjoyed enough to try and get promoted or in an office. I am a qualified pharmacy dispenser which I do enjoy but I feel like I want something more in my life. Plus, although we can 'get by' on Richards wage alone I'm not sure 'getting by' is really the life I want for myself or Rafe.
I want to have my own money and independance. The thought of asking Richard for money to buy something that I want when my maternity pay is finished makes me feel sick. My fiance is lovely and generous but I like having my own income and the knowledge that if I want to buy something frivilous (like a new lipstick even though I already have 29...) that I can without having to ask anyone or feel guilty about it. And I want Rafe to be proud of his mummy. 

I believe that becoming a mother really makes you view life and the world in a different way. I want the very best for my son, I want to set a good example for him and I want him to have the opportunity and self belief to do whatever he wants in life. But I also want more for myself, for my own peace of mind but also for Rafe. I want us to be able to afford to take him on holidays, enjoy some luxuries in life without having to struggle.

So what am I going to do about? Truthfully at the moment I have no idea. Feeling a bit lost in general if I'm completely honest and just trying to get through day to day life (especially as Rafe had his 8 week vaccinations yesterday so it was a difficult day...and night!) Anyway a bit of a rambling post! I apologise for the lack of positivity! Going to go and read a few of my self help books while baby Rafe naps and hopefully I will be back feeling refreshed and inspired very soon!
To all the mothers out there you are doing an amazing job! I think sometimes we all just need to hear that! 

Jx 
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Follow my blog with Bloglovin  Me and Rafe's 8 week updates...a little late

Monday 6th February 2017
So Rafe will be 9 weeks old on Wednesday so this update is a little late, not unusual for me though! Thought I would do our updates together because I don't think there's quite enough content for two separate posts.
I'll start with Rafeybear because he's the important one! He is now sleeping either five or six hours per night, and more often than not it's six which is SO nice! We aren't really following the sleep routine that I talked about in my earlier post. Rafe doesn't like being left on his own upstairs yet and rather than us going up and down continually for hours and then him eventually settling at 9pm or 10pm when we would go to bed anyway, he now stays downstairs with us. He won. We still bath him at 7pm every night and we turn off the main lights and have lamps on and turn the volume on the television right down (no kidding we use subtitles a lot of the time!) but we just take him up with us when we go to bed as he's usually asleep by then. I think he is still a bit to young to have a strictly regimented sleep routine, but any advice on the subject would be welcome...

He is so alert now and his personality is really coming through. He recognises us and smiles at us LOADS, and when we talk to him he seems to respond with his own little noises which is so cute! He loves being centre of attention, just like his mummy or so daddy says! He loves his Fisher Price Rainforest playmat, it lights up and plays music and has lots of hanging toys and a mirror. He kicks his legs loads and reaches for all the dangling objects so we can tell his motor skills and co-ordination are improving. We think he is going to be right handed because he tends to use that more and he always puts it in his mouth when he is hungry. He still enjoys walks in his pram and rides in his car seat and I try and take him out to get fresh air whenever the British weather permits.
He still has a very big appetite, and he goes from fine and calm to RAVENOUS in 0-5seconds! Since I gave up eating dairy his eczema and acne have completely gone and his cheeks are finally soft and blemish free. Just when we conquered the acne and eczema he developed mild cradle cap, but after applying liberal amounts of coconut oil after every bath and massaging his head when we washed his hair that has also nearly gone now.

He had his 8 week jabs today, I was super nervous but luckily Richard was starting work later so could come with us. First Rafe had a liquid to drink which seemed to go down a lot better than the Infacol we have to give him sometimes. Then he had THREE different jabs, I think it was one in his right thigh and then two in his left, but I might be wrong there. He (understandably) cried when the injections went in but was then immediately fine again afterwards. I am so so proud of him for being this brave! I also managed to hold it together and keep the tears at bay! He then had his first ever dose of Calpol and now he's napping. Have to see what the rest of the day will bring. According to the information sheet on giving babies paracetamol suspension (Calpol) after jabs, fewer than one in five children develop a fever with the use of Calpol after jabs so I'm hoping he won't get one. If he does it is likely to peak six hours post injection so I'm just going to keep a close eye on him today. Duvet day on the sofa it is!!


My update

In terms of weight I am now at around 126/127lbs so still 5lb away from my pre baby weight. Still not in any rush to get back there and I don't want to eat less because I am working out and still exclusively breasfeeding and I don't want to effect my milk supplies. My waist is slowly getting back to it's original size with the help of lots of ab exercises, I'm now two inches away but there is a lot more loose skin so I have some work to do there.
Breastfeeding is still going really well which I am SO thankful for, I'm not going to lie I miss having a glass of red wine every night, but I'm probably a lot more healthy without it! 

Physically, apart from the tiredness (which varies depending how long Rafe has slept) I honestly feel great. As I mention all the time I am back into a regular workout routine and exercising at least five times per week. My episiotomy stitches are completely healed and I no longer have any pain or discomfort in the area at all. Okay TMI here but I haven't actually had sex yet, and it is something which quite frankly terrifies me! At my six week check the doctor asked about contraception and I am planning on getting the copper coil fitted as I do not react well to the hormones in the pill or mini pill.
Something else that I am SO happy about is that I do not suffer any bladder weakeness at all. I was really worried that this would be a problem, I used to do kegel exercises before I got pregnant but I didn't do them very reguarly during my pregnancy. However I think the workouts that I did before and during pregnancy mean I must have a strong pelvic floor.
I have not experienced any post natal hair loss yet but apparently it can start between 3-6months post partum so there's still time. I'm really praying this doesn't happen and I'm doing all I can to avoid it (see earlier post).

Mentally I have had a lot of ups and downs recently. As much as I love my baby and being a mum, at times I do miss my old life and being able to spend so much time with Richard. I would love to go on a family holiday aswell which is just not an option at the moment, and probably won't be for some time.
Also I find that because I am breastfeeding I still don't feel like my body is my own...if that makes any sense. It makes me feel horrible about myself, which seems like a hugely ungrateful thing to say I know. I am so happy I can do it but the world of breast pads, nursing bras and leaky nipples isn't really one I enjoy being in, and I honestly can't wait for when we can wean Rafe and I can be done with it all. Plus I am not expressing yet and I refuse to breastfeed in public which means it's a massive hassle for us to go out anywhere for any length of time, and it would be so nice for Richard and I to have an evening just the two of us.
I don't think I have any sort of post partum depression but I definitely have good days and bad days. Some days Rafe is a happy chap and has lots of naps so I can get the house clean and tidy, my workout done, showered and made up and then other days I just find myself trapped on the sofa with a crying baby and only get to jump in the shower when Richard gets home. But I guess that's just part of having a baby and having to put someone else's needs first.

Overall I feel like I am pretty much recovered, and I am so thankful for that. I think even though it's been eight weeks I am still adjusting a bit to being a mum but I think it's always going to take a bit longer when it's a first baby. I often find myself feeling guilty when I have a bad day for getting upset or feeling unhappy because I know that I am blessed to have a healthy, happy baby and be able to breastfeed him and take care of him. But being a mum is a tough job, anybody that thinks staying at home with a baby is the easy option is seriously mistaken and a massive hats off to all the mums out there who have babies and young children to take care of. 
I have found the journey to becoming a mummy both seriously mentally and physically challenging and also incredibly rewarding. On one hand I cannot wait for Rafe to get older and begin walking and talking and on the other I want him to stay a tiny baby forever!

Jx

 
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