I'm Back...sort of...

WARNING: Negative, ranting, struggling mother post coming up. Excessively happy, positive, naturals at motherhood this isn't for you.

I haven't written a post on this blog for so long now. The reason being that I've set up a new blog entirely, it's devoted to fitness and getting back in shape after having a baby. I felt that I had to blog about something I am truly passionate about...not that I am not passionate about motherhood, I am, I just adore fitness and I feel like this blog became more about babies than barbells or beauty. Stupid name anyway.

So what's new with me since I have been absent from Blogger? Well Rafe is now six months old, he has two bottom teeth, he has started eating some solids, we are still breastfeeding...oh and he still doesn't sleep. Sleep is an awful, horrible, horrendous, and soul destroying subject! The four month regression arrived...AND NEVER WENT AWAY!! The last time Rafe slept longer than a four hour stretch during the night was Easter weekend (where he did it two nights in a row...Easter miracle?!) and it hasn't happened since. He currently wakes up around every two hours during the night every night, and it is KILLING me. It's amazing how lack of sleep can affect your mood. I am struggling so much to maintain and upbeat "I'm loving motherhood, it's the best thing in the world" persona to everyone around me when all I want is a bottle of red wine and a good nights sleep. "Hasn't the time flown by?!" everyone said when Rafe hit six months last week. Well no actually. Time is not flying for me. Time is positively dragging it's feet and making me incredibly miserable.

I love my son. I love my son more than anything and everything in the entire world. I would die for him (dramatic much? But it's true) but I have found myself questioning on more than one occasion whether or not I am actually suited to motherhood and whether having children at all was the right decision. That's awful isn't it? And I know these thoughts are all stemming from the fact I have not slept for more than two (occasionally three) hours at a time in the last two months. I am totally and utterly convinced there must be a link between lack of sleep and depression. I feel anxious, overwhelmed and unconfident on a daily basis. Sometimes the thought of even going to the supermarket is too much for me. WHO AM I?! It sounds ridiculous, I know it sounds ridiculous but that's honestly how I feel. "It gets better" that's what I get told by every fucker and their dog. Okay then but WHEN?! When is it going to get better? When my child eventually goes off to uni?

Mine and Richards relationship has massively suffered since having our son. Rafe sleeps in our room STILL because I am not prepared to be getting up four times a night and going all the way to another room. Maybe that's the problem, I don't know. I'm clearly no baby expert. But anyway back to the point I was making, if anyone out there is thinking of having a baby to make their relationship stronger DON'T. Okay maybe you will be lucky and have a baby that sleeps through the night from eight weeks old. But there's always a possibility you won't, and that you will have a nightmare sleeper like ours and trust me only the strongest relationship will survive that. 

Do I have post partum depression? I don't think so but I am pretty unhappy. So many mummy blogs out there just talk about their lovely days out with their little cherubs (no doubt after a blissful nights sleep) I just wanted to give another side. It's not easy for everyone and I really think it depends on the baby. If you are one of the lucky ones whose baby sleeps through the night and you have a friend or fellow mummy at mother and baby group whose child doesn't sleep through don't gloat. Don't be a bitch. Tell a little fib and pretend your child doesn't sleep through either, because the chances are that poor woman is going to go home and cry.

Here's hoping my next post will be about how we have cracked it and our child is sleeping through...but I wouldn't hold your breath...and it may be in seventeen and a half years! Something that I am certain about is that Rafe will be an only child. I am a fully fledged member on the 'One and done' club and completely happy with that.

J

There are probably a lot of grammatical errors and spelling mistakes in this post, my apologies just needed a good rant!

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