Follow my blog with Bloglovin The ups and downs of mumlife

Having my baby boy was the best thing I have ever done but it's also probably the most challenging. Knowing you are entirely responsible for this tiny, helpless human is quite unnerving and the fact babies seem so small and fragile means it can be quite scary.
I have to admit I question myself as to whether I am doing a good job or whether I am a good mum on an almost daily basis, and the feeling of 'mum guilt' is commonplace.
Some people say when you first become a mother it is this huge, life defining moment...I didn't feel this when I first had Rafe. I loved him straight away but I struggled to feel like a 'mum' however that is supposed to feel. I just felt exactly the same but with a baby to look after.
It's sometimes hard to admit when you are finding things tough. I found things incredibly hard when we first brought Rafe home from the hospital, I thought I was prepared but I was not at all. Looking after a baby with no sleep while in a lot of pain from stitches and struggling to establish breastfeeding was quite frankly awful. That's not to say I didn't have plenty of people who would have been happy to help out. Richards parents are incredibly supportive, but I resembled the walking dead for the first week after giving birth and I was, quite frankly, too embarrassed to have anyone come round to see me limping about in my dressing gown and surgical stockings! Is it horrible for me to say I didn't enjoy the first week or so with my baby at all? I just found it hard in every way, physically and mentally.

Fast forward to now, almost nine weeks later and things are so much better. We have a daily routine of sorts and I understand what Rafe's different cries mean and what he wants. Plus realising he has a dairy allergy and that was probably why he used to cry so much has made life much happier for everybody as I have now cut it out of my diet. But there is a massive part of me who misses the time when it was just Richard and I, the two of us. When I was free to do exactly what I wanted and when I wanted and it didn't take me over an hour to leave the house. Richard was off of work on Sunday so I popped to the supermarket BY MYSELF! It sounds utterly ridiculous but I actually felt a little bit excited. It was only a 20 minute trip while Rafe napped but for the first time since he was born I felt free.
I feel awful even typing this because I do love my son more than anything in the world but I think it's so easy to paint motherhood as this amazing wonderful time (which it really is sometimes) that we forget how difficult it can be aswell and how much you can struggle and feel like you are losing your identity as a woman.

Before I had Rafe I always wanted to be a stay at home mum and a housewife. Not because I thought it was easy but I never considered myself a 'career woman' and I thought that motherhood must be my calling in life. I am one of those people who is 'okay' at lots of things but I don't really excel in anything, and I lack the self confidence to persue what I really love. 
Since I have become a stay at home mum I am really not sure that this is what I want. Some days I enjoy it and I can be really productive but there's always this nagging feeling that once my boy is old enough to not really need me anymore what am I going to have to show for my life? What have I really achieved? I have mainly worked in retail jobs that I never enjoyed enough to try and get promoted or in an office. I am a qualified pharmacy dispenser which I do enjoy but I feel like I want something more in my life. Plus, although we can 'get by' on Richards wage alone I'm not sure 'getting by' is really the life I want for myself or Rafe.
I want to have my own money and independance. The thought of asking Richard for money to buy something that I want when my maternity pay is finished makes me feel sick. My fiance is lovely and generous but I like having my own income and the knowledge that if I want to buy something frivilous (like a new lipstick even though I already have 29...) that I can without having to ask anyone or feel guilty about it. And I want Rafe to be proud of his mummy. 

I believe that becoming a mother really makes you view life and the world in a different way. I want the very best for my son, I want to set a good example for him and I want him to have the opportunity and self belief to do whatever he wants in life. But I also want more for myself, for my own peace of mind but also for Rafe. I want us to be able to afford to take him on holidays, enjoy some luxuries in life without having to struggle.

So what am I going to do about? Truthfully at the moment I have no idea. Feeling a bit lost in general if I'm completely honest and just trying to get through day to day life (especially as Rafe had his 8 week vaccinations yesterday so it was a difficult day...and night!) Anyway a bit of a rambling post! I apologise for the lack of positivity! Going to go and read a few of my self help books while baby Rafe naps and hopefully I will be back feeling refreshed and inspired very soon!
To all the mothers out there you are doing an amazing job! I think sometimes we all just need to hear that! 

Jx 
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